Jan 9, 2005
I guess sleep time is neutral. When we're sleping its okay to touch and cuddle and whatever else it is you do when you're sleeping with your signifigant other.
In the morning its all over and everything goes back to normal. Or you just dont speak all day and then it gets brought up at night when you finally break the silence barrier. Who the hell knows whats up with that.
I quit my job today. Well I just didnt go in. I know Im downing but I also know thats not a valid excuse for not going in. TJ kept asking me why I didnt go in and I kept not answering him because I didnt know what to say. He doesnt beleive in ups or downs - yet its okay for him to be depressed. Its practicly the same thing just more extreme and for a longer period of time. Well thats my view on it any way.
He says Im fucked up for trying to watch Toad on TV last night. The fact of the matter was I was watching TV in the living room and the reminder went off when he sat down - he realized what it was and then took the remote away and told me I could go to my room and watch it. Thats another thing. We keep swinging back and fourth between calling it "my" room and "our" room. "Home" and "the house". Rediculous. anyhow - so I went in my room and watched it and called him an asshole with the most hatred in my voice I could muster up. Later we went to get him some stuff from a friend and when I pulled in the driveway I unlocked the door but didnt get out and left once he got out. Now its all my fault. He doesnt even realize I went to the book store like I wrote about last night. He says he doesnt give a shit where I was. I know thats bullshit. I dont know where the line is on all of this. How much is too much. Or not enough. And why would I want to go back in with him when he's like that. Sit there is silence. Try to talk about it and get shut down.
So i get to go look for another job tomorrow.
I gotta go
Posted at 06:43 pm by HopelessWonder
Jan 8, 2005
I didnt watch him last night
I made sure I was out of reach of a TV I was in control of.
Low and behold there was a re-run
And I watched
Now TJ and I are fighting and I just spent an hour in Borders reading Relationship help books chocking back tears.
I dont understand me
I dont understand how people just "get over" people. I dont know how people's minds are able to just shut that off. I dont know why when its all said and done I still cought my breath when he came on the stage. I dont understand how Andre can call me and i drop everything to feed his conversation. I dont understand how when TJ and I fight the first person I want to run to is Brian - who I still to this day think is gay. I dont know how to let people go. I dont get the concept of closure. I know there is such a thing as a hopeless romantic but I think I am an extreme case. Or something. I have no idea. How do you just shut that place for a person out? Hoe do you just burn that spot and pretend it was never there. They were never there. I dont know how. Im not sure even if I did that I would want to. And why is that - I have no idea.
Im tired of fighting for his attention. Im tired of walking on eggshells everytime he gets home - tryig to feel out his mood and make sure I cater to it properly. Im tired of looking at him and his asking why Im staring at him. And most of all I am sick and tired of wanting to scream I love you at him 24 hours a day. Knowing he doesnt reciprocate those feelings. Wondering why I do. Hating that I do. Absolutely despising it. Hating it down to my every being - yet embracing it like its my last hope at something real.
I hate entries like this.
Soemone needs to just tell me to shut the hell up.
Toad I need coffee
Where are you
Posted at 10:04 pm by HopelessWonder
Jan 4, 2005
Our puppy might be ready tomorrow. She goes back to the doctor tomorrow and the guy that has her said he should be done going through applications by then. If he doesnt pick us I dont know what Ill do. I think Ill post her picture on here so you can see how freakin cute she is.
The weather sucks. Its nasty. It makes me want to sleep all day.
Do you think depression is contagious?
Ive lost so much weight Im starting to think I have a tape worm or something. A few years ago I used to say it would be so cool to have one of those because then you could eat whatever you want and never gain weight. I guess I didnt think out the fact that there would be an actual worm inside my body eating away at it. How repulsive. :::cringe::: how do you get one of those anyways?
TJ and I just had lunch and it went rather smoothly. I freaked him out by tellling someone on the phone the other day that I was going to get coffee with someone today. He blew up saying I wasnt going to tell him if he wouldnt have overheard and bla bla bla. So now Im a "phone slut" and personally I think Im a "coffee slut". No matter how hard I fight it, even if there is no physical contact, "Coffee" is
infact code. We all know it - its about time to confess to it. Sitting there trying to think of the next witty-yet-skimming-the-top-of-perverted/aggressive/questionable/suggestive-line you can think of while at the same time making sure the light is flattering your hair you are so carefully letting fall across your oops-my-shirt-must-have-slipped-off-the-"just-for-you-tanned" shoulder. Hmm.... :::sipp::::: Now what were you saying? Hahahaha :::tosses hair back:::: Give me a fucking break. That is why, my friends, Toad and I ended up doing the nasty. Too much freakin coffee.
Even when Brian and I have coffee and there is NO WAY it will ever lead to an afternoon shag feast (given after the breakup Im pretty sure he is smokin the skin flute) - it still lingers. I dont know if its something in my eyes that like shoots "please fuck me I cant live without it" or if its all in my head and these dudes are just walking boners. Maybe both. Maybe neither and coffee just turns me completely narsisitic.
OU plays tonight. Its so stupid that I pretend to be the bigest fan yet have only seen half of ONE of their games this season and then proceed to try to talk shit about them like Im their damn mascott. Its rediculous. I guess I had my Honest Juice thismorning.
Oh well I better go do some laundry
Here she is! Her name will be Phoenixx by the way (we already got her a tag with a spiked collar :::beams::: Im so proud)
Posted at 02:58 pm by HopelessWonder
Jan 2, 2005
New years. Well its like the 2nd or something but still... the whole idea of a new year has never sounded so inviting. Like I think subcionsciensly (sp?) it will wipe my slate clean and all will be new and clean and fresh. I consciensly know that cant be true. For Chrise sakes I rang the damn new years in drunk off my ass stumbling back and fourth between my stoned boyfriend and a flamboyant bi-sexual I for some reason made out with every chance I got (behind the trash bin of course) Then proceedd to tell TJ about it thinking, you know who the hell knows what I was thinking. Then had to cover my ass and tell him I was just drunk and trying to piss him offf. Like teh last time I confessed an affair and had to cover IT up. Why do I do these things when I get drunk? I dont think I will ever understand. Maybe its because in the back of my mind Im not happy.. Now how cliche does that sound. But there is some relavence there. It would almost make sence. I think I called my entire phonebook list on my cell and wished everyone of them a Happy New year. I had about 5 people call me the next day and ask what the hell I was on. Yeah. Thats right. Dont mind me Im only a lush. I was all like "oh... I called you? I mean... YEAH! Happy New Year!" I DO however remember calling Toad. I dont remember everything I said I just remember hanging up and realizing I was blushing. And Molly. I think he called me that. I think I might have made him. Either way that is another mystery I will neer understand. The little fishline of something that never quite gets cut from what we used to have. the little tug that pulls me uncontrolably whenever we talk. Or whenevr anything that has to do with him happens. I was sitting there with TJ... happy.... and yet tal;king to him . I need to shut up. But Toad if you're reading this (which I think you gave up long ago) Im not sure I told you congradulations. So - Congradulations. Hope its working out swimmingly.
We are suposed to be getting a Rottie puppy on Friday. It will be "our" dog. Kind of weird considering his views on things like that. I dont know. What a played out conversation.
What a played out entry.
Happy New Year everybody.
New Years Resolutions:
1. No more drinking. None. Nein. Zilch.
2. Do sit ups before I go to bed every night.
3. Have a all around quality (yest fabulous) year. No more drama for this baby momma.
Posted at 04:25 pm by HopelessWonder
Dec 24, 2004
"Like I "lost" my keys or something"
Tj is leaving in a couple of hours to se his family in Omaha. His brother (whom I have yet to meet) is comming to get him here shortly. Im kind of nervous about meeting him considering everything Ive heard about him sounds fabulous and pinches a small piece of regret in me for not meeting him first. What kind of fucked up thinking is that.
Im sitting here on Christmas Eve, and I feel like my life has never been so twisted as now.
I dont know how else to put this besides just to say it but I miscarried yesterday. I think the weirdest part is that I didnt even know I was pregnant. And how I had been dropping hints the last few weeks of how I want a baby. And how I think Im being punished for a crazy drunkin night. TJ was carrying me from the car and I passed out (even more I gues?) and tripped him and fell down concrete stairs - him falling on top of me. Maybe that was it. Maybe it was me gettig too drunk. Maybe it was stress. Maybe it just wasnt meant to be. Maybe Im not suposed to be a mom.
I had to go up to his work and tell him what was going on because he got extremely worried when I started bleeding all over the place the night before and was balling from the pain. Who was to know we had a little baby. Or were going to. You should have seen his face when I told him. It was like an instant flashback to being 15 and telling Ry I was pregnant. Only this time we couldnt do anything about it. No decisions could be made. And the biggest difference is that we were both sad. And that was an unexpected emotion for both of us I think, more so for him.
Its an odd feeling miscarrying. Inadaquicy is obviously reering its nasty head. But for me its a lack of control. I had NO control over keeping this baby in me. With me.
I dont really know what else to say about it. Its depressing.
My parents are going out of town tomorrow so once again I will be alone for a holiday. This makes 5 in a row.
TJ is staying with me for New Years though. He's kind of made a turn around. Well let me back up - he cheated on me one night when he got trashed and made out with some slut, I dont know. He didnt even knoiw he did it till Steph and Justin told him. I knew before he did. He wouldnt even look me in the eyes. It was hard. I've never really been cheated on. Id like to say it could have been worse, but knowing TJ and knowing he NEVER aproaches women - doenst even know how I dont think - its beyond me how he can wind up making out with some chick in a bowling alley. He stayed at her and her BOYFRIENDS house that night. Thats when I stopped asking questions. I dont want to know. He didnt either. WHy do I love like this.
For Christmas I either get a ring or a Rott puppy. I wnat both. But he was thinking now that we lost the baby that a puppy might be a good idea. I dont know but Im about to pass out I gotta go lay down.
Merry Christmas everyone - Il write more tomorrow
Posted at 03:23 pm by HopelessWonder
Dec 7, 2004
Im drinking again.
Its been going fine until thismorning when I was 5 1/2 hours late to work.
So now I have no idea what to do. I dont want to not drink. And I also dont want to live the rest of my life as a drunk.
TJ is going back to Maryland for New Years Eve after he promised to spend it with me. 3rd holiday in a row we will be spending apart. He doesnt give a shit. I do. Whats fuckin new you guys.
I talked to Andrew (long lost love from Memphis) and he invited me to come down for it. I want to too. But it kind of scares me. Ive done a lot of growing up since I left there. Left him. :::sigh::: Anything is possible at this point. It makes my stomach turn. And soar at the same time.
My mind races when I think of how it used to be with him. The closest thing to a husband I everhad. The most fulfilling relationship - I was never hungry for anything with him. He filled me completely of everything I needed.
Did I mention TJ moved in. Well he's "staying" with me or whatever. Whatever. Because that and living together is COMPLETELY different, you know. riiiight.
He's sitting right over there.
IIm looking at him and thinking what if he were to come read this. What if he knew what all goes on in my head. And why doesnt he already. I think writing about this makes me more depressed than I actually am. Like bringing it to ink brings it more to life. I dont know.
Where are you Toad. I hear you on the radio. Its weird. But nice. I dont know, either way it drags a grin across my face each time it comes on.
I gotta go.
Posted at 08:36 pm by HopelessWonder
Oct 19, 2004
You'll never guess where Im posting from -
Mental Health Services!!! Woo hoo!! Before you start thinking that I took the first train back to crazy town, hold up. Im only here because I ate up all my Aderol...hahahaha. Or lost it I mean, or it got stolen I mean...or....something.
Things are weird these days. Self sacrifice for 3 minutes of a desperate man's pleasure. I now realize that wasnt the smartest decision I could have made. And PS You, my conscience bit me in the ass and I came clean. Anyhow for you non-participants I threw two moths of relationship scouting overtime into major jeopardy to get off a prepartum friend in heat. You follow? I thought it would be 3 minutes I could completely erase once it was over and chalk it up to goodwill or community service. Never thinking of the other side and how it could cause me to loose this amazing guy I've been working on lately. But the fact that he wouldnt commit previous to this episode was my saving grace. In all actuality he couldnt say anything becuase we werent together at the time, and I know that in the back of my head I was hoping if he ever did find out it would give him the push to want a relationship. Now, realizing my stupidity, I see that I had him all along. In all actuality there hasnt been more than 5 minutes that we have spent apart in 2 months almost (besides when's he'a at work) but even then I take him to work and pick him up from work everyday. Literaly. So after my red-faced glossy-eyed puke-pushing confessional, he layed it all out for me. We ARE together. We HAVE been together for a while now. He being the commitaphobic he is, just didnt want to come out with it because in his twisted relationship world that would have been too real... Im assuming. He says he only gets involved in full blown "relationships" if he knows there will be something in the future. You can imagine the depths my heart sank after hearing those words roll off that perfect tongue that I now secretly refer to as my "new best friend". A guy that actually looks for something in a realtionship!?! Doesnt "casually" score around till he gets tired and rests in one spot for a fraction of time till new opertunities arrise? Holy shit. Yes folks, this is simply mind boggeling to me. And you know I love it. Needless to say this little setback didnt really set us back at all. Now we have passionate sex... l#ve making almost. Which is an added bonus considering he is the only guy to ever liberate me in the sack like he does. I feel like Im re-discovering sex, and what its about, and me and what I like and oh my goodness. Yeah, Im sure you really wanted to know that but tough shit this is my journal. ;)
So now Im job hunting. WHats new right.
My new house is fabulous. My room mates are a trip but its all okay because I never really have to hang out with them. Which is a good thiing considering that one smokes weed like its the last bud on the face of the earth, and that doesnt really coinside with my "program". Im not knockin all you canibus lovers out there - rock on witcha bad selves - I, personally, just cant be around it because it triggers me off the chain. It makes me want to do stupid shit so the easiest thing for me to do is seperate myself completely. TJ was smoking with her (I met him through her) but after a somewhat altimatum lined discussion, he decided he would rather have me in his life that weed. (tally for Em). Yeah yeah.
Well I guess I better go get my pills.... I find myself to be somewhat of a hypacrite for that but they make me not eat and Im enjoying my new size 4. Twisted, I know, but what else would you expect from me.
Have a fabulous day.
(Oh and dont worry my Horney Toad, your secret is safe with me. I've got nuthin but love for ya.)
Posted at 12:52 pm by HopelessWonder
Oct 5, 2004
How far is too far when it comes to being with someone and jepordizing your morals?
Turning a blind eye to a habit you despise because feelings drowned out your temporary plea for sanity.
How is it someone can piss you off unintentionaly and you knew it was comming and yet no matter how long you lay with your back facing theirs you always eventually roll over with a heavy sigh.
How is it possible to try to be with someone when their walls are higher than the one in China but they say they're comming down slowly. How long do you wait. ANd do you think it will ever happen anyways.
How long is too long?
Im gettin out of town for a few days to think.
Omaha here I come -
Ill post when I get back -
Posted at 12:31 pm by HopelessWonder
Oct 3, 2004
I dont even know what to say about it but something needs to come out. I'm not even sure what I'm wanting with it now. The last 7 nights I've slept in his arms and yet he never seemed so far away. He's like that little doll from Russia where you have to keep popin' off the tops till you reach the inside. But so far the only thing I've reached is the inside of is his pants. Who knows. I know he cares because he shows it and even says it for that matter - you know what Im tired of this conversation.
The girls are here I gotta go talk about the new house ( which is simply fabulous I might add)
:::Jefferson's theme song plays in the background:::
If only The Mommas and the Poppas song came a day later...
Posted at 10:08 am by HopelessWonder
Oct 1, 2004
Just for today, and maybe yesterday
Well here we go guys -
It's been a while
Im not going to go over the last 6 months of my life and lay it all out like a Christmas ham, I dont think theres enough time in the world for all of that. Hopefully as I get back into posting you can piece it all together for yourself.
I got taken off all my meds yesterday and put on Aderol. Needless to say I took my first dose and felt like I was coked out of my mind. What an akward feeling having all the side effects of drugging but being drug free. I even fell down and busted my ass in the Subway parking lot because I was so dizzy. It was weird. Then I died my hair platnum blonde. What the hell. TJ just sat there lookin at me like I was a crazy person - it was kinda cute. He had mentioned a week or so ago that he loved freshly squeezed orange juice so last night I made a sneaky visit to the grocery store and bought 5 oranges. To my dismay they didnt have a strainer thing. So at 8 this morning I was up squeezing the shit out of 5 oranges. It barely filled a small glass. Rediculous but I thought it was an extremely cute gesture. hehe
We're still undecided when it comes to where we stand. I ALMOST dont care, I guess.
Yesterday was a fabulous day. I finally got a car which is awesome. Saw some old friends from treatment, and even met a stranger for a long over due cup of coffee. And damn his little plane ride cuz Im feinding some good conversation. Living in a house full of women the conversation usually consists of money, men, sex toys, and how much we don't want to go to work. Its peachy. P.S. For the record I do not use sex toys - I have a motto - If I need ass that bad I call a boy, not the energizer bunny. You get me?
I might be moving on Sunday. Living in a basement but I dont care. I bought some Christmas lites to hang down there. Im going to try to give it a lofty feel I guess. Which is kind of backwards considering I will be subteriane. Oh well.
When it rains it pours people. They're frekin commin out of the woodworks I tell you. 1 point for the sobriety team.
Speaking of that I have 5 months clean time on the 9th. Woohoo!!!!
I also had a birthday. The big 21 people. I guess as they say it's all down hill from here. I dont think so. I think its all just begun.
I know we both wanted to. And i actually think it could have worked. Why was there a pause in the car. It was like one of those silent you know what I want to do type of things and I felt like if I looked over for too long I would loose myself again. Thats something I cant afford. It had to be quick. Impulsive. Full of antici
Well I guess that wasnt so much code as it was obvious. Oh well. Whats the point anyways, we know we were both thinking it.
Posted at 11:33 am by HopelessWonder